So I've been in the weird holding pattern for months now...on some level for three years, since Scott was first diagnosed with cancer. How many times have I put something off "until Scott gets better"...a lot! Not my chores, my day to day parenting, travel, or having a good laugh. It's my inner self... I have so many things I want to do... so many dreams tugging at my heart. It's like they've been in incubation...and it's time they came out.
We all know we can fill our day with nonsense. My brain has indeed felt foggy and groggy, and I've found it increasingly easy to waste time. Don't get me wrong...I think I've been doing exactly what I've been called to do...stand by Scott's side during the past 9 months or so. It's been great and very fulfilling. But I've come to recognize that I've begun to look to him for my affirmation, my self-worth, my "okayness." No one needs that kind of pressure! No human being can give you those things anyway. They should come from the inside, from our creator. If Scott was having an 'off' day, I had an 'off' day. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was sad, I was sad. This was a strange phenomenon, one I've never experienced before. I find I can't just let him "be" which is exactly what he needs to "do". He shouldn't feel like he has to perform for me, or do anything specific because I'm acting so needy, so weird. We have always been 2 really separate people. Our day to day lives couldn't be more different. There is no criss-cross from 6am-6pm, other than a quick phone call or text. Now we are criss-crossing all the time.
As I'm typing this I realize it's making NO SENSE, but maybe you can glean some sort of understanding of what I'm trying to say.
Today is Scott's last radiation treatment...an even 50. He is very worn out, and dealing with some side-effects, but overall doing well. Throughout the summer, he will have blood-work done, but no more trips to the clinic. We go back in September for scans, x-rays, tests, and drumroll...results. In December he can go off all the medicine...that will be the best present of all!
So here's the deal... I have chosen this summer to really get back in touch with 'me'... trust me when I tell you Scott will be relived when I quit trying to read his every thought, feeling, and emotion. I am going to try and get some results with the hours in my day... take some action steps to achieve some of my goals and stop wasting time. So in the spirit of accountability, I'm going to put out there some of the things I will do, hope to do, and dream to do. I feel like if one person reads these things, I am honor bound to achieve them... that's just how I am...
so here's the list:
I am taking Soul Restoration II online (Brave Girls Club) in June. It's a class about moving forward and getting in touch with your dreams and goals. Not in a weird new-age way but in a personal "listening to your heart" kind of way.
I am taking an online writing class. I really want to write, but I am not motivated. If someone gives me an assignment though, I will complete it or die trying. Some of you remember I wrote a novel in November, 2009. I accomplished the 50,000 word requirement, but the novel is so poorly written, even I can't read it through. For this reason, the online class I have chosen is Beginning Writing. I want to start at the beginning and get a good foundation and see where it takes me.
I am not artistic, but I want to "do" art. Don't ask me what this means. I'm not sure yet.
I want to have fun times with my grandkids swimming, beaching, and having Leila over for sleepovers so we can cook and do crafts and snuggle down for Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. My daughter is jumping for joy right now... I've been so busy lately!
I want to hang with my youngest that's still home. Lexi and I have a blast together. We will also beach it, lay out by the pool, and Lexi's favorite... go shopping.
I want to start homemaking again. I want to update my home, and create some special areas. One of the first will be my sitting room, a tiny room connected to my bedroom. Right now it has an UNUSED treadmill, an armoire full of junk, a huge dresser, and a Barbie tent. I am going to clean it out, get some comfy chairs and ottomans, a cute sidetable, a chandelier, a tabletop fountain, and some bookshelves. It's going to be our new Book Nook. Scott is super excited. He loves to sit in the quiet and read.
I want to meet with the Lord (not the computer) everyday...
I want to eat better, lose 5 pounds, and get about 15 simple, healthy go-to meals under my belt that we all like. Right now our favorite word is "takeout"... that has got to stop.
As you can see... this is quite an ambitious list. I will be hard pressed to achieve it all. Once I take SR II, I might tweak some of these. But did you notice something??? Three things are missing. Blogging, Facebooking, and YouTubing. I LOVE all three of these things, but I'm considering a summer break. I will not take down or delete my blog. I might, however, have to delete my Facebook... the temptation will be too great to sit and veg reading all the fabulous things others are doing rather than do them myself. But if my oldest calls and says something awesome is online, I want the ability to go check. Obviously I haven't thought this through. It's a fluid decision! FB has become my biggest time
waster... that, I know for sure. I will still be visiting some of your blogs. There are certain ones I need to read because they've come to mean so much to me.. and if you are interested, I will most definitely do a post in September with Scott's results...good or not so good. As far as YouTube, I haven't decided. It is really fun, but I'm not sure what my goals are there. Do I need a goal? Not sure...still thinking on that one.
Before I sign out for awhile, I wanted to once again thank you all so, so much for your good wishes, thoughts, comments, and prayers. They really made a huge difference in our lives during this trying time. Some of you email me occasionally and I look forward to continuing that.... firstname.lastname@example.org.
So... since this blog is called GirlMeetsParis, I have to leave you with a little bit of France. Here's a slideshow I made Scott...just to let him know how much I love him. These photos are from Paris and Marseilles, over the past five years. Hope you enjoy.
Love you all,